Embrace the Silence: personal

Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

2.17.2013

Embracing Friendship

As my personality can be very intense, sometimes maddening to be around, I have created the following list (in no particular order) of...

18 Things MY FRIENDS KNOW about me ...

or

18 Things YOU NEED TO KNOW if you wish to be my friend:

I am allergic to Tobacco, and thus Cigarette Smoke. If you smoke, you cannot be around me. If you live with someone or spend time with a friend who smokes, I cannot be around you. You cannot have smoked (or been around someone who smokes) within the past hour if you wish to be within 15 feet of me.

Besides being allergic to tobacco, I dislike the odor and will go into uncontrollable coughing fits when exposed to even a whiff of it. I am hypersensitive to the stench of cigarettes and can smell it on a non-smoker even if he or she just happened to walk past a smoker and enter my vicinity. Many of my relatives smoke and I simply do not visit them, specifically due to that, regardless of distance.

I am Atheist, and thus do not tolerate attacks on my lack of beliefs.
If you are religious and want to convert everyone around you to your faith (as most of my family members seem to want, which is another reason why I do not visit them often), then please either keep it to yourself or expect me to lash out at you when you assault my freedom to not believe.

We can coexist peacefully unless you try to make me feel differently about what I consider audacious ignorance.

I neither like nor comprehend sports.
If you enjoy sports of any kind, please know that I was never taught and never learned on my own appreciation for sports of any kind. I dislike them and see them as a complete waste of time, energy, and money.

So, no, I do not know nor want to know "the score" or "who will win" the sporting contest in question.

I do not drink alcohol. No, it's not a religious thing (I'm Atheist, remember?). I simply find the taste, effects, and aroma of alcoholic drinks completely disgusting. I have no interest in losing my inhibitions on the level which alcohol takes them.

I can have a great time just sitting at home watching a fascinating show on TV, playing a game on my PC (no consoles here), or going to a movie and (maybe) dinner afterward (or before)... The dangers of alcohol use and addiction just do not appeal to me.

I do not know anything about the varieties of alcohol, nor do I care to learn. So, for all my high school, college, and former co-worker "friends" who think going out every night (or every weekend) and getting drunk as a skunk is a fun thing to do... I beg to differ.

I am Native American.I will not tell you what "percentage" I am because that is a governmental mandated requirement for registering as an indentured non-citizen within the United States.

No Native on any Reservation will ever talk about "blood percentage."

Certainly, my father's mother is German and Irish. Half of my mother's grandparents were European invaders (immigrants? settlers? don't make me laugh), but in my heart and in my attitudes, in my actions and in my words, I stand tall and proud as an Oglala Lakotah. My mother has explored and researched for years, to find that our families are Miami Native on her side and Oglala Lakotah on my Dad's side.

My morality is unquestionable.I do not tolerate any form of racism or ethnic discrimination, any form of sexual harassment or hateful activities. I am dire in my sincerity and tend to take things very seriously. However, I do fight for the rights and freedoms of the individual and the genocidally-oppressed Native Peoples of the North American Continent.

My tact is (sometimes) questionable.You need to be conscious of my faults and be tolerant of my mildly-OCD personality, which - once unleashed - can overwhelm you with brutal straight talk on topics not found in general polite conversation.

I was abused as a child and tend to not notice when I speak out of turn. Some of my coworkers and extended family members who have known me for years still find me astonishingly shocking at times.

My sense of humor is raw, morbid, and stern.If you crack a joke and I do not laugh, smirk, or even take notice, it may be because I do not find much humor in banal or immature joking.

Your "Common Sense" is not the same as the Common Sense that I was raised with. If I do understand you, I will occasionally indulge you by playing along. This seems to make people think I am gullible, but I simply understand and wish to turn your humor on its head. I am contradictory and impulsive when in comfortable conversation.

I can be offensively contradictory.If you happen to say "Bless you" or "God" in any context, I usually think and occasionally may speak a contradictory term.

Being anti-religious, I do my best to keep my opinions to myself, but if you inadvertently say something relating to God or religion, I may come back with something shocking and dark.

For example: I sneeze and you say "Bless You" I will either say NO thank you or - if I am in a truly dark mood - say "Hail Satan" - not that I believe in Satan, as one must believe in God in order to believe in Satan. I simply say it to get a response and to make people re-think their perceptions.

I am tall but short.I have a habit of talking about my height, the average height of my family (6'5"), shoe sizes, and other aspects of life repeatedly. I am honestly "size-ist" and any time I see photos of myself in a crowd of shorter people, it reinforces my weirdness for talking about how short I am (6'3") in my family.

I am meticulous and verbose, intellectual and introspective.I speak using words which some people seem to find incomprehensible. I will commonly talk in the same manner as I have written here. I use words like "indubitably" and "salacious" and even "auspicious" and "interim" within my writings and in casual conversation.

I am one of those grammar police who will correct you mid-sentence and enjoys marking up manuscripts and other people's writings, as well as my own. I know the difference between there, they're, and their, the misuse of to and too, tend to get furious when people write than when they mean then (or vice-versa).

I frequently make references to movies, television, and books I have read.
Sometimes I will - out of the blue - spout lines of dialogue from them. If you are unfamiliar with what I say it comes off a bit awkward sometimes. The most frequent nuggets of dialogue come from:

The Fifth Element, Highlander, The Butterfly Effect, Die Hard, Independence Day, Hellraiser, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (original Radio Plays or Novels), Red Dwarf, LEXX, Hogan's Heroes, Scooby Doo (the 1970's original), He-Man (the 1980's original), and Inspector Gadget, to name a few.
I am a film fanatic and sometimes just seek out spoilers to help decide if a film is worth seeing, but will ask you respectfully if you have seen the film yet or not just in case you wish me to not spoil it for you.

I do not socialize face to face very often.I have co-workers, former classmates, and family. Outside of that, I see few people at theatrical auditions and rehearsals. I consider most people on the level of "associates" who do not know me outside of a common environment like work or school.

It's not that I am afraid or uncomfortable, but I am just not used to knowing or hanging out with people who consider "going out" a regular thing.

I can be a real downer.I try to be positive. I try to keep my tact level far above my "lack-of-knowing what the heck you think is so fun or funny" level, but sometimes I just seem to interrupt and bring people down.

I have things to say. Some are profound and astonishing contributions, while many still will make you lose your train of thought, or just bring you down. I can be a downer, but - when in my element - I can just as likely be the person who gives you that million-dollar epiphany that changes your life for the good.

Country Music is never an option. Never, ever. NEVER!

I may seem uncultured to many who has a wholesome upbringing.I have no knowledge of classical music. Not a clue. Ditto for Jazz, "classic" Rock from the 1960's (Beatles - who? Who - who? Grateful Dead - who? Stones - who? Not a clue).

My mom loves and raised me on ZZ Top, Styx, and the Eagles. I grew up listening to those as well as Poison, Motley Crue, Stryper, and many of the top 10 bands of the 1980's.

Having been abused by my father, I never received exposure to classical or many other bands that are the staple "MUST HAVE" bands for anyone else born between 1960 and 1980.

Even in my adult life, I simply have never found the desire or any reason to educate myself on classical music or those other bands mentioned. Certainly, I have tried listening to some of them, but just found absolutely no appeal in their vocals or instrumental stylings.

My priorities are thus:

Creativity
Emotional Expression
Financial Security through dedication and alert focus while working
Striving for Success and Advancement of my Dreams
Cat Naps with my Cats
Relaxation and Enjoyment of Life
Coping with my past and finding creative outlets for the rage and instability hidden deep in my subconscious
Relationships with loved ones
Socializing with "Friends" and "Acquaintances."

I am a bit OCD.My Mildly Obsessive-Compulsive personality can occasionally make people dread my presence or fear me.

Having been raised in a hard, harsh, impolite atmosphere of abuse and hatred filled with fear, my lack of social skills may occasionally terrify or shock everyone around me.

Anyone who knows me well enough and wishes to be the kind of friend who will help smooth over the ripples of inappropriate comments or disruptive looks or statements is more than welcome to be my friend.

12.07.2012

Embraced by Brainwashing...

"The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it." -- George Bernard Shaw

I do not comprehend how so many people are deceived by the falsehoods and illogical fallacies of things they were told and they believed immediately without proof or any hint of probability in the world in which we live, with the laws of nature and physics we have dealt with since our conception...

Just because your parents and family think something is true and take things "on faith" does not mean it can be proven or that it holds any merit.

Certainly the organizations formed around it have manipulated everything and brainwashed their subjects to believe in what can not possibly be real...

But if you were to OPEN YOUR EYES and LOOK at what you are saying and doing and blindly placing your livelihood in the fashion of... You would come to realize the wasted time and effort and energy of millions of followers of the improbable and illogical book and church which you hold so dear...

WHY?

WHY?

"Through the reading of popular scientific books I soon reached the conviction that much in the stories of the Bible could not be true... youth is intentionally being deceived by the state through lies." -- Albert Einstein

WHY are you so resistant to facing reality and reason?

WHY do you insist that your way is the only way and any variation of interpretation is evil?

WHY do you persecute your fellows and support war mongers who seek only to profit from your suffering and brainwashed fanaticism?

WHY do so many of you still believe in a God or Jesus or Mohammed or Allah or The Bible or The Torah or The Koran?

These legends have been stolen and manipulated for millennia from stories told by Egyptian parents to scare their children at night...

Myth does not justify mass murder in the name of the imaginary friend in the sky that you talk to...

Guilt? No.

Sin? No such thing.

Guilt is a feeling of wrong-doing after the fact.
Sin is something made up to make religious people feel guilty all the time.

I do not feel guilt.

"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful God, who creates humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes." -- Gene Roddenberry

I feel the need to be responsible for my actions and I do take responsibility and openly explain when I know something I did resulted in something going wrong.

Some people think my open confession of wrongdoing is guilt, but it is not. It is in my nature to be open and honest, blunt and matter-of-fact.

Most people cannot comprehend why I am like this, because most people around me believe in guilt and sin.

Actions have consequences.

Mistakes teach us how our actions may lead to bad outcomes.

I believe in honesty, personal responsibility and respect. However, feeling at fault for an action or inaction which led to a mistake is not guilt to me. It is the self-correcting mechanism within my mind teaching me how to avoid those consequences - or better yet - how to replicate those consequences if I so wish to have them repeated.

Any questions?

"That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen... Run, little boy, run for your life!" -- Alfred Hitchcock

Upon encountering a priest in conversation with a little boy, a hand on the child's shoulder.

People have asked me if there is not just "something special in the air" around the Holidays.

Yes, there is something special. It is called nostalgia for the brainwashed ignorance of innocence and youth. It is also the genetic memory of being a part of the whole of this planet, having the axial tilt that it does, with the significance of the Winter Solstice, wherein almost every one of our ancestral societies took note of the sun at its most distant peak and - on some level - feared the end of the world every year.

Religion has done more harm to this world than good.

Certainly it has provided morality to those who think that the only way to know right from wrong is to follow one faith or another, but the damage to our societies and scientific developments over the centuries has made Religion the leading cause of mankind's current state of atrophy.

My Holiday Memories...

My family has been through tremendous events of horrific nightmares which have made us stronger, more resilient, and - for most of the others - more reliant on religion to scapegoat away all the bad things we have survived.

Christmas as a child was an exciting time when gifts were given and received, the tree at Granny's house was always beautiful and Granny's cookies and sweets - all handmade - were delightful.

As I grew into maturity and adulthood, the wonderment of it all faded.

When we are children, things are what they are and we believe our parents because they are our providers and we do not know any better. We do not have the foresight to ask how and why certain things are told to us when they are unprovable.

That does not mean I do not cherish the memories as they fade away gradually year after year from my mind...

What I have discovered is that, while I was unaware of it, certain evil events took place at and around Christmas after my father returned to us. Those evil things were a harsh slap in the face on the Holidays. I am reminded of them every time I hear those most famous of carols sung or played in my presence.

Most people have lived a life most likely more filled with less pain and suffering than me or my family.

I lived more than a full year (Thanksgiving 1995 through February 1997) homeless and endured two Christmases and two Thanksgivings with no choice but to resist and endure and deny the brainwashing methods of religious fanatics in the Rescue Shelter of Galesburg. That was a very difficult time in my life and I vowed to myself never to allow such horrific circumstances to take over my world again.

The origin of Christmas has nothing to do with Religion.

It is the Winter Solstice which all peoples recognize, and was celebrated long before the Church adopted it as a Holy Day for themselves. Like countless other "pagan" traditions and sacred days, the Church has incorporated them into their own celebration calendars in order to assimilate and brainwash even more hearts and minds of non-Christian societies and religions.

I respect and understand the joy in the gathering of family and friends to celebrate community and love one another. I simply have not had any form of that sensation or togetherness for nearly a decade now...

Certainly, I gather with my wife and her parents and we exchange gifts, but with the ever-increasing costs of living and stagnant or reduced incomes, it is constantly becoming more difficult to feel anything on these special days, even with family and gifts.

Now for my list...

Horrible things done in the name of religion:

"Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, and imprisoned, yet we have not advanced one inch toward uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one-half the world fools and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth." -- Thomas Jefferson

Looting of Babylon by religious fanatics, who destroyed "evil mechanisms and monstrous creations" of the Babylonians (as in electricity, centralized plumbing and refrigeration, amongst other technologies fully in use in ancient times).
The Crusades to the "Holy Land" wherein priests, knights, and peasants invaded, looted, raped, sodomized, murdered, and brought death to millions of innocent children, women, and men just because they did not believe in the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.
The invasion of the Americas by radical fanatics who held no respect for non-white, non-Christian peoples, considering them heathens and savages, only to slaughter, rape, destroy, and oppress my ancestors, the Natives of these lands.
The Holocaust, wherein the devout and fanatical Adolf Hitler kissed the ring of the Pope and took the Pope's words of "Death to all Jews" to heart and brought death and destruction to Europe.
The American Indian Holocaust, which gave Hitler the inspiration for his Death Camps, based entirely on President Jackson's Reservation System. The Trail of Tears, which is a stain of blood on the face of the United States much ignored but never forgotten and impossible to wipe away.
Repeated invasions of the countries of the Middle East for religion and money and oil, regardless of how oxymoronic those are...
The repeated and eventually final attacks on The World Trade Center, then the London Underground, amongst other Terrorist attacks by Islamic Radicals, who have skewed the peaceful writings of the Koran into death and destruction around the planet.

The blind dedication that the majority of the "Civil War" Southern States have toward the Republican Party, which has absolutely nothing to do with Religion, but still uses the symbols and names of Religion as a standard bearer while raping and looting every possible source of greed and economic improvement that this country so desperately needs...

"I cannot believe in the immortality of the soul... I am an aggregate of cells, as, for instance, New York City is an aggregate of individuals. Will New York City go to heaven? No; nature made us - nature did it all - not the gods of the religions." -- Thomas Edison

The list goes on, and is easy to discover for anyone who seeks truth and answers without the taint of religious fervor. Yet I do not expect change to come swiftly or completely in any manner.

I know that countless people will be offended by these words. Some will take up arms and try to cut my analyses apart with quotes from their own book of religion.

If you take only a part of the book as true and claim that certain parts are not meant to be literal, then how can ANY of it be taken literally?

I pity the fools who still follow blindly without consideration for those of us who have seen the truth of reason and proven fact.

Yet I will not tolerate someone slashing at my personal non-belief with their redundant BULLSHIT brainwashed sanctified holier-than-thou attitudes.

I end with the words of a great man, a leader, one who lived and died and was a great leader of his day, having to deal with his own group of radical religious fanatics, who to this day seem not to know the full truth of his beliefs.

"Look back into history for the character of the present sects in Christianity; we find few that have not in their turns been persecutors, and complainers of persecution. The primitive Christians thought persecution extremely wrong in the pagans, yet practiced it on one another." -- Benjamin Franklin

5.09.2012

The Separation of Church & Straight (and other perceptions, or lacks thereof)

What is the Separation of Church and Straight?

No, that is not a typo.

The Separation of Church and Straight is an idea I had today when listening to some random talk radio personality on whose show a caller had a slip of the tongue and said "Separation of Church and Straight... I mean State."

My point here is that there should be a divide between Church and all things dealing with sexuality and choice and freedom of pursuing personal happiness. Thus, a Separation of Church and Straight, or Gay or Bi or any personal lifestyle preference is essential for progress and movement to be made for equality in this country.

For far too long, the religious extremists have taken the political stage and pushed their fanatical agenda to prohibit and eliminate any form of pleasure or happiness for Americans who choose to live a life with different rules than those they personally espouse.

Since my freshman year at Knox College, I have done everything in my personal life to open my mind to acceptance (having spent many years being oppressed by a religious fanatical Southern Baptist church).

When I first became aware of alternate lifestyle choices, I was afraid and ignorant, but have discovered that many friends enjoy their personal lives in their own way which differs from what I was brainwashed as acceptable.

Having overcome that brainwashing, I hold no animosity for anyone except the fools who fear what they refuse to accept or understand.

My philosophy is as follows:

What two people in love do in the privacy of their own relationship is no business of anyone outside of that relationship. leave it alone and we can all have Life, Liberty, and Pursue our own happiness in whatever way we see fit. Hey... where have I heard those words before...???

Brainwashing is what has happened throughout history, as the religions and the "Church" have used every form of manipulation, war, abuse, and torture to instill into the general populace the soap suds of religious dogma. What needs to occur to these bubbly fanatics is a rinse cycle to wash away the soapy tendrils of ignorance and fear, the better to allow them to think clearly about the facts of life and see what the suds have hidden from them for countless generations: the truth which they refuse to acknowledge could possibly hold any basis in fact.

Now let me flip the world around: Separation of Church and Straight...

Imagine a world where being Straight was considered a moral obscenity by the religious majority. Certainly, procreation must occur to maintain the existence of the species, but besides that, just humor me a moment...

To the point:

Would "man and woman" lovers want the intimate details of their love life plastered all over the news and discussed with distaste in Congress or by Political or Religious leaders?

Husbands and Wives certainly do not talk their intimate activities. Neither do people of different lifestyles.

When two people wish to make each other happy, the only thing that should be of concern is safety and privacy. How is it anyone's business besides the two (or perhaps more?) people who are enjoying one another's company?

For those offended by my words or my open blatant discussion of these topics, I am not sorry.

I understand you may not think it is right to share my thoughts or opinions.

I grew up in an abusive home with fear and terror every. single. day. I was exposed at a very young age to the horrific nature of the universe and the darkest parts of human nature. Due to that, I sometimes have difficulty keeping my mouth shut and sometimes may shock or astound my family members or peers.

I am a truthful, open, honest man. I do not apologize for my blunt nature.

I was not raised in an environment in which polite conversation took place. I was not taught proper etiquette for conversation or meals or ... whatever it is that I do not even know to mention here because I have no knowledge of it...

So for those who insist I should not state my opinions or support causes which may offend one or multiple persons, for those who find me crude, uncouth, and undisciplined, please know that what I have in my perception of the world is tarnished, tainted, and blistering with welts from decades of beatings from my father - and I know no better.

The above being analyzed and placed upon the ether like a wind broken upon a breeze...

I try.

I do try to comply with morality and what I happen to skim off the surface of perception when I am in a situation where others expect more of me... Yet, my ignorance and lack of exposure to some things in the common culture of American Life and World Society leaves me lacking in the eyes of others.

I honestly know nothing of classical music, do not comprehend the point of sporting events, have no idea why people may drink the foul fermentation of century-old grapes and call it pleasurable..?

My musical, artistic, and cultural tastes were limited and confined to a few of the favorite things which my mother and grandparents happened to enjoy. I never knew who The Beatles were until I was 16 and in High School. I do not understand the music of The Who or The Rolling Stones or ... well, I have no knowledge of names of similar bands because I have never been exposed to them, or perhaps dislike them to the point I have never held their existence in my mind long enough to recall them in order to describe them in this disclosure of cultural deprivation...

And thus many of you who have so far chosen to take the time to take in all that I have given out here in these paragraphs... Now you may better understand why I have these odd looks or unusual reactions or lack of comprehension when you may mention something like "The White Album" or "Symphony No. 7" or "Monet-esque"... To me that is all gibberish (and I even had to Google it to find out the proper spelling and names of these things) which my faint recollection of astonished lack of understanding can barely manage to bring forth.

I am at a loss for now and shall thus take my leave of typing furthermore this evening. Until some time later then...

4.01.2012

Tranquility Fate (prose)

The tranquility of peaceful sensation: confidence overwhelms my moment of now as I philosophize apathy and consider all aspects of relaxation of mind and body within my warm place of being.

The loveliness of calmness is an artifice brought upon my current like a still water that can never last as the wind always blows away the glassy surface of smoothness with ripples of emotional distress.

Yet I suppress these anxieties and frustrations, caring only for the freedom of enjoyment as I envision the endless distance of imaginated fugue state: I am comforted by the peaceful outlook I have taken upon myself, having replaced the constant dilapidated state of distress which has been my life and past pains.

And yet in my calm state of mind, I find myself reminiscing over what is yet to be or soon to come while a whisper of regret lingers about my mind like a cloud of smoke, cloying and swirling with the slightest breeze or exhalation of breath.

What I need and what I want have come into alignment and the fruition of those desires will be forthcoming upon their own arrival time, hopefully sooner than later.

For my words may shock those who think that they know me, but the horrific nightmares I experienced as a youth have become ingrained into my life and persona, fortifying and encapsulating me.

Such topics which I speak aloud in casual conversation with matter-of-factness are taboo: they utterly astound and shatter the perception of those around me who stand with shocked expression and whisper that my words were too much for their fragile realities to conceive of as normality...

And yet these things are nothing shocking to my own mind and lifestyle as I have accepted them as part of my being and incorporated them into my heart and mind.

However I find that I must censor my own words and edit my mad thoughts before they leap from my tongue into the over-sensitive atmosphere of over-confidence which surrounds those who grew up within an environment which nurtured, protected, and cushioned them from the dramas and horrors of what I find to be part of my childhood.

My American dreams are the nightmares of politicians who prefer to slice their own roads with the cash provided by their special interests, which have nothing to do with the interests of those who are truly special and in dire need of guidance and protection from such greed and carelessness - as that which purports to be for the good of all benefits a mere few.

These dreams of a world in which society as a whole is protected from those who would do any portion of that society harm: protected by a governing body of people who truly listen to the individuals who live in the worst possible conditions; protected by people of influence who will work to their maximum potential to make the least man's life better.

These are the nightmares of the warring factions of oil-mongrels who insist that they receive their own share before anyone else can even see how much is there in the first place.

Ah, but these pipe dreams can bring about the downfall of so many who see themselves as essential and integral to the working functions of this society of American greed. Due to this essential inevitability, little chance exists for the society to become a great covenant of self-sufficiency in a world that sees only the bottom line of profitability; damn the need for stability within our own country!

And even still I find myself calmed and soothed by the fact that there is still a chance for true change in this world, if only those who live in fear would wake up from the nightmare of a greedy corporatocracy and seize back the reins of power, to lash the workhorses and work houses back to full tilt and bring America out of the ditch.

The solutions of tomorrow must be found in the shadows of our yesterdays and utilized to renovate this shabby home: fumigate the evils of society and scrub away the muck from our dilapidated factories; find a way to bring us back from this brink at which we are poised to be punched in the face and plummet to our doom.

All the while we continue to buy foreign-made goods and stare in shock at the cost of buying something made by people within our own borders; thus the cycle of inevitable atrophy continues to eat away at our souls.

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